匿名使用者
匿名使用者 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 1 0 年前

誰能幫我修飾英文作業

這是我的英文作業

Barbie Doll’s Negative Effects芭比娃娃的負面引响

約六百字

我所持的論點是芭比娃娃應該被禁止

在第一段我的論點(聲明)thesis statement是否有力

如果我的論點(聲明)有欠缺,那該怎麼寫

能否將我的文章改的流利通順

感激不盡!!

Barbie Doll’s Negative Effects

For the past few years, the Barbie doll has become America’s “ideal” woman. This doll represents what the perfect woman should look like. She has a perfect body, beautiful face, and is completely flawless. Barbie doll’s negative effects potentially exist on America’s society life. It should be banned. This has caused women and teenagers to engage in self-destructive behaviors, like eating disorders. Most women want to have this flawless appearance. Also, Barbie’s accessories represented the high consumption lifestyle. It makes people dream it and want it.

Barbie is created an incredible body. The numerous females try to achieve the ideal figure that Barbie flaunted. The following example is Russell Morse’s argument about Terri Schiavo’s case. “While pundits are arguing that this is a right-to-life issue …, they are missing the point: This is about sexual politics and female body image in America. God has nothing to do with it” (Russell Morse, Pacific News 31/3/05). A month ago, I watched Terri Schiavo’s case and her photographs on CNN Headline News. I did not know that pictures were not “before” her look. When Terri was 18 years old, she weighed 250 pounds. She involved a diet and lost 140 pounds then she developed eating disorder. Because her body potassium deficiency, which led to cardiac arrest and brain damage.

Nowadays, about 90% girls grow with a Barbie doll. Barbie’s fashion style is already deeply inside the young girl’s mind. Barbie’s gorgeous outfits usually attract the girl’s eyes. To them, Barbie’s dressing is the one of the most popular imitations. The question of the girl dressing like a Barbie is for the pretty or for the safety. In Crystal Alexander’s essay, Girl can’t live up to Barbie’s image. She says, “Barbie dresses like a slut. Her commercials show this doll in skimpy swimsuits, short shorts and skirts and tops that cover only what is necessary by law”, “Young girls grow up thinking this is the way they have to dress be popular and beautiful. Boys can’t help becoming sexually aroused at the sight of a 12-year-old girl in a skimpy outfit because of what society has set as a physical attraction”(Crystal Alexander, The Daily University Star Columnist). No surprise, many of the teenage girls are found in sexual abuses or pregnant. Should the society not think much of the problem that Barbie impacts!

Barbie is portrayed to have high consumption lifestyle. She owns everything, a dream home, a fancy sports car, a completely furnished, and has many beautiful dresses for any occasion. She gives a sweet dream for the girls. The girls image themselves about living in the material that would be nice. My friend, Vangie; she works in UTPA. She has an 11 years old daughter. In her daughter’s school, the girls often wear the different outfits with fashion decorations. The girls pursue the material so well. For example, the colorful-plastic-bracelets are popular now. The most primer band is a yellow color to support breast cancer research and has “LIVESTRONG” embedded on it. But now, the bands become a big market for the merchants. These bands are mixture color with different words, and sold everywhere. Who wins? After this one then what is the next!

Barbie is just too perfect, is not it? However, that is not the really world that most popular can live with. Barbie represents our society’s problem with recognizing

differences. It is necessary that the society realizes that it puts too much pressure on women to give in to the physical challenges of looking like a Barbie doll. “Real beauty does not lie in what the eye sees but in what the heart and mind find attractive” (Crystal Alexander, Girl can’t live up to Barbie’s image). In sum, Barbie doll should be banned.

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非常感謝nicole及妖怪的大力支持

讓我好好的檢討一天

謝謝

3 個解答

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  • 1 0 年前
    最佳解答

    你寫的很認真﹐但是文章太長, 分段又看不清楚. 我大概看了一下﹐我建議用Negative Impacts of Barbie Dolls會比's的用法好. 你這應該是在國外拿的英文寫作課吧? 縮寫的模式﹐除非必要﹐儘量要避免噢! 另外你的論點就是從barbie's figure, Barbie's fashion, Barbie's lifestyle三點來分述它的負面. 我想把它簡化成beauty, wealth, sex三個點來做你的arguments. 因此第一段的 thesis我會寫

    Some may look at a Barbie and merely consider it as a child's toy that is incapable of having any negative social repercussions. Others may argue that this commonly found household object promote many negative ideas in the late twentieth century. Evidently this popular doll is giving us an image of a perfect femal that has a life with beauty, wealth and sex. Barbie is projectng a passive female stereotype and a concentration on female body image and glamour. As one of the most popular toys in the past decades, Barbie has become more than a toy but an idol in the society and created many negative impacts.

    sorry,我把你整段都改掉了.這是辯論性的文章﹐你第一段thesis應該把2派的意見簡單闡述﹐然後自己take a stand.後面再仔細的將自己的arguments細說.你寫的thesis已經把後面的內容講出來了﹐讀到後面arguments的時候就覺得有點贅述. Thesis有時候就好像影片預告﹐吸引讀者繼續讀下去的慾望﹐所以有時候不要把自己要說的東西在第一段就全部說完了. 另外﹐Barbie的歷史已久遠﹐不是這幾年才有的噢~~所以你的開頭For the past few years不是很恰當.

    接著你第二段﹐第一個argument: beauty. 我改寫:

    Barbie is created with a perfect female figure and has misled many women to follow the negative protray. It has been pointed out that Barbie's body is a perfect drag queen body: wide shoulders, thin hips and artificially inflated breasts. Barbie's body type is anything but realistic and naturally cannot be achieved.

    (接著你的quotes, 關於你自己看到CNN報導那一段就可省了.沒有太大的persuation,況且在essay裡最好不要用"I"第一人稱)

    Terri weighed 250 pounds when she was 18 and lost 140 pounds after a bad diet.

    (diet有健康也有不正常的﹐我想只有不正常的減肥方式才會失去140lbs後,又發展成厭食吧? I guess it's a bad diet?因此你在這句需要多解釋一下﹐否則會很confused.essay是很講究邏輯性﹐你要把讀者當成什麼都不懂來解釋﹐否則很容易造成邏輯誤會)

    This further helped her developed an eating disorder. Because of potassium deficiency, she suffered from cardiac arrest and brain damage.

    你接下來的句子就很怪了﹐讀者還沉浸Terri的case裡面﹐你就跳到90%girls. 你也沒有解釋Terri的case跟Barbie的直接聯繫, Terri是個Barbie fan嗎? 是因為Barbie她才節食還是她本身的問題呢? 你的主題是Barbie的負面影響﹐舉的例子也必須和Barbie有關係. 你這裡少了一個轉折句子﹐把Terri的單一案件再發揮出去做這一段argument的總結才算完整. 感覺你這個eating disorder還沒講完就講到衣服上去了. 讀者會看得莫名奇妙!

    我建議你在第二個論點就講high consumption lifestyle. 但again,你的例子Vangie's daughter的學校又關Barbie什麼事? 愛美是人的天性﹐沒有Barbie的人﹐也會喜歡穿漂亮衣服﹐你舉的例子又一次沒和Barbie聯繫上. 這裡你自己要多做一些功課﹐多舉一些有力的證據來support你的觀點.

    最後的論點﹐我把它稱為sex. 你提到的Barbie穿著不當﹐我建議你可以補充Barbie's exaggerated enactments of gender may help to alert the viewer to the degree to which gender role is created and policed by society.因為Barbie的形像總是很柔弱嬌滴滴的﹐將女性物化. 這裡就可以用到你引述Crystal Alexander的話. 後面接著關於性引發的社會問題會更順一些.

    最後一段﹐我幫你改成:

    When introduced to a young child, presumably a little girl, representations and ideas of what a female is supposed to resemble enters into her young and impressionable mind. Barbie's unrealistic body type may then become a young child's new ideal. Childern as well as adults can become alienated from themselves and may begin to feel inadequate. "Real beauty does not lie in what the eye sees but in what the heart and mind find attractive"(Crystal Alexander, Girl can't live up to Barbie's image). The negative impacts of Barbie dolls should not be ignored and Barbie dolls should be banned.

    綜上所述﹐你再把文章思考整理一遍﹐我再改.

    Terri後面關於飲食身材的argument要做好的ending.我建議這裡你還可以再做research, 講一些plastic surgery的東西. 美國不是有個女孩把自己整形為barbie嗎? 這個例子可以further support你第一個argument. 然後結尾可以類似如One must understand that health is far more important than an unattainable figure and beauty should be achieved from within.

    另外你的90%數字何來? 任何數字要有根據. 這是大學essay的正統寫法﹐不過初級英文寫作是不會太講究﹐還是提醒一下!

    Barbie is just too perfect, is not it? 這種反問句也不要出現在essay裡.

    參考資料: 這20點賺得有點辛苦呵....
  • 匿名使用者
    5 年前

    到下面的網址看看吧

    ▶▶http://qoozoo201409150.pixnet.net/blog

  • 1 0 年前

    Barbie Doll’s Negative Effects

    For the past few years, the Barbie doll has become America’s “ideal” woman.

    (America’s “idea” image of woman --- 文法是沒有錯.. 只不過有可能被誤會成芭比娃娃變成一個真人一樣了~~有點恐怖….)

    This doll represents what the perfect woman should look like. (replace “the” with “a” --- 不然就改成 “This doll represents what the perfect woman should be like.” 不同地方是當你再用look like 的時候, 是再講一個完美的女人應該長那樣, this woman is not particular~ is that any woman who might be called perfect should look like that.)

    She has a perfect body, beautiful face, and is completely flawless. Barbie doll’s negative effects potentially exist on America’s society life. (The negative impacts of the image of this ideal woman from a Barbie doll exist in the daily life of the American society. --- 你用的有點中式英文, 還有主要的是芭比娃娃的那個形象而不是芭比娃娃本身對社會造成負面影響)

    It should be banned. This has caused women and teenagers (teenage girls) to engage in self-destructive behaviors, like eating disorders. Most women want to have this flawless appearance. Also, Barbie’s accessories represented the high consumption lifestyle. (Also, Barbie’s accessories represents a costly lifestyle).

    It makes people dream it and want it.

    Barbie is created an incredible body. (Barbie was created with an incredible body)

    The (不需要”the”) numerous females try (had tried) to achieve the ideal figure that Barbie flaunted. The following example is Russell Morse’s argument about Terri Schiavo’s case. “While pundits are arguing that this is a right-to-life issue …, they are missing the point: This is about sexual politics and female body image in America. God has nothing to do with it” (Russell Morse, Pacific News 31/3/05). A month ago, I watched Terri Schiavo’s case and her photographs on CNN Headline News. I did not know that pictures were not “before” her look. (not her “before” look” ? 不太懂你在講什麼) When Terri was 18 years old, she weighed 250 pounds. She involved a diet (got into a diet) and lost 140 pounds then she developed eating disorder. Because her body potassium deficiency, which led to cardiac arrest and brain damage. (Because of her potassium deficiency, she had cardiac arrest and brain damage --- 原本的句子是不完整的)

    Nowadays, about 90% girls grow with a Barbie doll. Barbie’s fashion style is already deeply inside the young girl’s (girls’ – 復數 + 所有格) mind. Barbie’s gorgeous outfits usually attract the girl’s (girls’) eyes. To them, Barbie’s dressing (way of dressing / style) is the one of the most popular imitations (imitated styles). The question of the girl dressing like a Barbie is for the pretty or for the safety. (The question of a girl dressing like a Barbie is for the reason of beauty and security. --- 不太懂你的safety是指什麼 @.@ )

    In Crystal Alexander’s essay, (“)Girl can’t live up to Barbie’s image(“).( , 不是 .) She (she – 小寫) says, “Barbie dresses like a slut. Her commercials show this doll in skimpy swimsuits, short shorts and skirts and tops that cover only what is necessary by law”, “Young girls grow up thinking this is the way they have to dress be popular and beautiful. Boys can’t help becoming sexually aroused at the sight of a 12-year-old girl in a skimpy outfit because of what society has set as a physical attraction”(Crystal Alexander, The Daily University Star Columnist). No surprise(s), many of the teenage girls are found (to be) in (刪掉 in) sexual abuses (abused) or pregnant. Should the society not think much of the problem that Barbie impacts (causes?!)!

    Barbie is portrayed to have high consumption(a costly) lifestyle. She owns everything, (刪掉 , 改成 from ) a dream home, a fancy sports car, a completely furnished, and has (刪掉 has) many beautiful dresses for any (刪掉any改成all) occasion. She gives a sweet dream for the girls. The girls image themselves about (刪掉about) living in the (perfect) material (world 然後刪掉後面的) that would be nice. My friend, Vangie; sheworks in (who works in ) UTPA. She (刪掉 .She) has an 11 years old daughter(11 year old daughter, 當年齡作為形容詞的時候year 後面不用加s). In her daughter’s school, the girls often wear the(不要 the) different outfits with fashion (fashionable) decorations. The girls pursue the(不要 the) material so well. For example, the colorful-plastic-bracelets are popular now. The most primer band is a yellow color to support breast cancer research and has “LIVESTRONG” embedded on it. But now, the bands become a big market for the merchants. These bands are(have a) mixture color(s) with different words, and (are) sold everywhere. Who wins? After this one then what is the next! (What will be next?!)

    Barbie is just too perfect, is not it? (is it not?) However, that is not the really world that most popular can live with. (看不懂這一句 @.@.... 但我想大概是… However, that is not the reality that most people can live with) Barbie represents our society’s problem (不需序要後面的) with recognizing differences. It is necessary that the society realizes that it puts too much pressure on women to give (force them) in to (into) the (this) physical challenges of looking like a Barbie doll. “Real beauty does not lie in what the eye sees but in what the heart and mind find attractive” (Crystal Alexander, Girl can’t live up to Barbie’s image). In sum(s), Barbie doll should be banned.

    不知道我改的你看不看的董

    參考資料: moi
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