? 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 1 0 年前

可以幫我看一下文法跟文章的流倡度嗎?有關演講稿

拜託幫我看一下..這是我的期末考演講~我負責的是整篇文章的起(起.承.轉.合)部份..麻煩幫我看一下有那些需要改的地方..感謝!!!

Now I want to tell you a story. It’s all about helping others. Five years ago, a student at Jingwen Senior High School who suffered from brittle bone disease died after an accident. It was raining on the day of the accident five years ago, causing a PE class to be moved to a basement. A teacher apparently assigned a classmate surnamed Chen to piggy-back the 103cm tall Yen down the stairs, although the teacher has been previously quoted as saying that she allowed Yen to remain upstairs. Chen slipped on the wet stairs, both boys fell and Yen died of resulting injuries. Now you must want to know what cause brittle bone disease. The more accurate term for brittle bones is Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI). The term "brittle bones" refers to a range of conditions resulting from abnormalities in the protein structure of the bones. This causes the bones to break more easily than normal.

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忘記說~我們的主題是玻璃娃娃摔死案

2 個解答

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  • 匿名使用者
    1 0 年前
    最佳解答

    Now I want to tell you a story. It's -all- <把 all 畫掉> about helping others. Five years ago, a student at Jingwen Senior High School who suffered from brittle bone disease died after an accident five years ago. It was raining -on- the day of the accident, resulting in the PE class's <possessive> being moved to the basement. <Introduce your characters. 下面的開始看不懂了. 到底誰是誰?>A teacher apparently assigned a classmate surnamed Chen to piggy-back the 103cm tall Yen down the stairs, although the teacher had been previously quoted saying that she allowed Yen to remain upstairs. Chen slipped on the damp stairs. Both boys fell and Yen died of the resulting injuries. Now you must wonder what causes brittle bone disease. The more accurate term for brittle bone is Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI). The term "brittle bone" refers to a range of conditions resulting from abnormalities in the protein structure of the bone. This causes the bones to break more easily than normal.==================================================================You've had it all backwards. Talk about OI first, then the third-person story. Apeal through pathos and connect to your audience.Is it really about "helping others" or is it simply a story leading nowhere?Organize it a little.

  • yun
    Lv 6
    1 0 年前

    對我來說你的文法跟流暢度都很不錯只是我跟who else 有同樣的疑問:你的內容與主題似乎不符合.因為主題是" helping others"而非" introduction to brittle bone disease." 另外一個小小的建議是:如果這是" written speech"可以用很多complex,compound sentences.但如果你要演講的話,盡量拆成更口語化的句子.要不然你的聽眾很容易被長句子搞混,而無法專注於你的演講.Over all I can sense your enthusiasm to communicate with your audience. I believe it will be a good speech if you try to narrow down your topic and focus. ^_^  

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