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麻煩英語高手幫我改正這段自我介紹的錯誤

Hello , my name is Ray.

I come from Tainan City.

I'm 24 years old.

I graduated from XXX university department of XXX.

After graduation , I went to do my military service as an military police

and mustered out at last december.

During the college,in addition to the learning of schoolwork , I had also got some postes ,such as the vice-representative of class , the chief of general affair and the class realtions manager which had brought me lots of experience of leading and communications.

I had also join the baskertball and the baseball team of my department whice are two of my interests besides reading and movie show in my free time.

I think I'm an outgoing personal with some personalities such as attentive , responsible and realistic.

So I think I'm qualified to do the job.

Thank You.

2 個解答

評分
  • book
    Lv 5
    1 0 年前
    最佳解答

    *************************************************************************************************************

    My name is Ray.

    I come from Tainan City.

    I'm 24 years old.

    I was graduated from XXX- University department of XXX.

    After my graduation , I serviced as an military policeman in duty,and had been mustered out in the

    december.

    During my college-time ,in addition to learning my school-programs , I got teams-service ,

    such as taking the vice-representative of class ,being the chief of general affairs and being the

    class -realtionship- manager .

    That had given me great advances in leading and communicating powers.

    I had also join the basketball and the baseball teams of my department ,whice are two of my

    interests as well as reading and movie- show in my free time.

    I'm quite an outgoing personal with such attentive , responsible and realistic personality .

    It will be my honor to be a part of your firm/team/company.

    I would appreciate your reply. /(<如果是面試就不用這一段)

    Sincerely /(<如果是面試就不用這一段)

    ###

    *********************************************************1.如果是書面求職信,或是嚴肅場合的面試就不要用Hello ,

    因為Hello是用在朋友或平輩晚輩的打招呼 

    而面試的評審應多是職場的"長官"或"前輩" 用Hello有失尊重性且不合禮儀.

    /如果是面試 且 是外務性質工作可以面帶微笑的做75度的鞠躬, 表親切和禮貌.

    2.Mary "was" graduated from Oxford.

    瑪麗畢業於牛津大學。

    3.muster =主動征召他人

    主動式muster 某人+out="使"某人退役

    退役 用被動式=例句:He has been mustered out of service.=他已退役/(退伍) <用被動式>

    4 the police =全部的警方 

     I am a policeman=我是一個警員

    ///英文中沒有 I am a police .X這寫法XX///

    5.這裡用learn of不妥>> learn of=(片語 phrase)=得知/獲悉/知悉

    6.school-programs =學校的課程

    schoolwork =學校的作業

    因為是自我介紹 盡量以"my"代替the

    7..personality 雖然可用多數加S, 但次此處用"單數"比較好, 免得被誤會有"人格分裂."

    8.in addition to是已有(另外付加)的意思,所以這also就不用寫出.

    9.communication=溝通 (只能用不可數單數)

    communication"s"=通訊/交通的複數

    10. baske"r"tball你打錯字應是 basketball

    11.such as 名詞,名詞,名詞.....

      I have some things in this bag sush as books ,pens,pencils...etc.

      請查詢yahoo字典>such , such as , .. ..

    12.很抱歉你的movie- show 是指你有從事電影表演嗎?movie- show= 從事電影表演 

    2008-03-17 01:24:40 補充:

    其實你的英文寫的很好的, 我只是雞蛋裡挑骨頭, 希望對你有幫助>@.@

    2008-03-20 22:43:16 補充:

    whice are two of my interests 我只是按照你寫的寫 , 不知你有否打錯字. 

    但我yahoo字典找不到"whice"這字

    whice........ 我找yahoo 蒐尋這whice字 確可找到**許多"whice"這字...

    (但我yahoo字典找不到whice這字)

    2008-03-20 22:59:16 補充:

    我用yahoo字典找不到"whice"這字 但我找yahoo 蒐尋這whice字 確可找到**許多"whice"這字...

    >>>***網站上whice用法好像:1.whice=which 並且2. whice可以用做複數代名詞.

    參考資料: 高級英文文法
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  • Ahoo
    Lv 7
    1 0 年前

    寫得很好, 沒有文法上的錯誤, 不過內容不夠吸引力.

    不防大膽的秀出, 縱使犯了文法錯誤的嘗試, 我的寫作風格屬於大膽型.

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