nana 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 1 0 年前

請幫我改改這篇文章!急!

我的寫作課要present, 要比較自己寫出來的文章修改前和修改後的不同, 請好心人士, 及厲害人士幫幫我挑挑毛病, 越多越好,包括看不懂的阿, 文法, 單字, 句法, 不通暢之類的, 什麼都可以, 拜託拜託! 謝謝!

Topic: Now and Then

The kingdom in my childhood is no longer mine. This kingdom was located my father's factory. It was spacious, clean and had some low buildings with gray cement wall. My brother and I used to ride our bicycles all over the place int he factory. We would scream loudly and cried out crazily. The factory was full of our laughter. In addition, we liked to sit together in front of the tall chimney and marvelled that it vomited forth white smoke. We had a lot of fun to see smoke rising in the air. What's more, we would follow the production line, looking pineapple pieces packed in the can. Sometimes, we would steal some pieces of pineapple, eating them without guilty. It tasted sweet and juicy.

However, the factory was sold. They demolished the old factory and put up new guildings. Now it line up a series of high buildings with red marble-faced brick. ANd many new tenants moved in. The resident's children played game, yelling and bawling. All day I can hear is their naughty noise. Besides, they levelled the chimney to the ground. And I can just use my own imagination to think white somke rising fromechimney into the air. What's worse, we cannot walk along the production line, seeing the marvelous working. Whenever I ate pineapple can , the making process would flash into my mind. It tasted sour and dried. Although this place had changed a lot, I still can remember the happy memory in my childhood kingdom.

2 個解答

評分
  • Elisa
    Lv 7
    1 0 年前
    最佳解答

    Please see => for correction. If you don't understand the corrections or need more information, please let me know.

    =>The kingdom of my childhood was no longer there. (Or =>The kingdom of my childhood no long existed.)

    => This kingdom was located in my father’s factory.

    => It was spacious, clean with gray cement walls on some lower buildings.

    => My brother and I used to ride our bicycles all over the place in the factory. (spelling error: “in the” should be “in the”)

    => We would scream loudly and (cry out) crazily. (“scream” and “cry out” mean the same. You should eliminate one of them.)

    The factory was full of our laughter.

    => Correct.

    => In addition, we liked sitting together in front of the tall chimney and marveled at the white smoke rising into the air. We had a lot of fun.

    => What’s more, we would follow the production line, looking at slices of pineapples packed into cans.

    => Sometimes, we would steal some slices of pineapples, eating them without guilt. They tasted sweet and juicy.

    =>However, the factory was sold and demolished, replaced with new marble bricked buildings.

    => Many new tenants moved in. All I can hear now is the noise from their children’s play, yell and bawl. (Here, “play”, “yell” and “bawl” are used as nouns)

    => Besides, the chimney was leveled to the ground. I can only use my imagination to think of the white smoke rising from the chimney into the air.

    => What’s worse, we can no longer walk along the production line to see the marvelous work.

    => Whenever I ate a can of pineapple, the image of the can processing would pop up. The taste was sour and dried.

    => Although this place has changed a lot, I can still remember the happy days in my childhood kingdom.

    參考資料: Myself. Studied English abroad at the age of 11 with over 32 years of experience speaking and writing English. Tutored English as an Undergrad. A project manager in the US since 1992.
  • 1 0 年前

    Topic: " Now and Then "

    The kingdom in my childhood was no longer existing.

    Many years ago, I had been owned a kingdom where located inside my father's factory. It was spacious and clean. There were some lower buildings sitting around the gray cement wall. My brother and me rode our bicycles everywhere in factory. We screamed and cried out. The factory was always full of our laughter.

    Sometimes, we liked to sit together in front of the tall chimney and see the white smoke rising into the sky. It's a lot of fun for us.

    Sometimes, we watched pineapple pieces packing into the cans along the production line.

    Sometimes, we stole and ate some pieces of pineapple without evil feeling. It tasted so sweetly and juicily.

    However, the factory was sold. The owner demolished the factory and built up new high buildings with red marble-faced brick. There were many new tenants moved in. Now The childrens of resident played, yelled and bawled at the same place all the day.

    The chimney now lay on the ground in silence. but I still kept the image in my mind while the white somke rised into the air. Nothing is worse than we cannot walk along the production line and see the marvelous work again. Whenever I had pineapple can , the making process became fresher in my mind but tasted sourly and waterless. Although this place had changed a lot, I still remembered the happy kingdom during my childhood time.

    2008-04-20 03:37:40 補充:

    一度看不懂你要表達的是什麼, 後來才慢慢看清楚你的內容

    保有赤子心是好的

    我也不知道我的表達好不好ㄋ???

    ^^|||

還有問題?馬上發問,尋求解答。