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發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 1 0 年前

急!!!修改一首英文詩(以翻譯)

各位大大

我有一首已經翻好的英文詩

可是可能有點不流暢

可以請大家讀過中文後給點意見

像是怎樣修改比較好

附上原文以做參考(有點長)

從前有一輛火車名叫野馬

拖著三個平板車箱

走在蕨類覆蓋的鐵軌上

平行地駛在一條又長…又直的…石岸旁

清澈的藍天…平靜的大海…初始的春天

粉紅和白的花覆蓋著李子樹

楊柳閃爍著綠光

羊群們吃著牧草

被矮樹叢以及一棵奇特又孤獨的樹圍繞著

工程師保羅是個強壯的男人

他練出來的肌肉使手臂與雙腿向外張開

他的妻子喬…露出愉悅和輕鬆的表情

她知道保羅工作前總是滿足的出門

但是有一天….當她外出打獵

喬意外地遇到了”愛”

“愛”正盤坐在紅衫樹的頂端

俯瞰著河

喬騎著馬在延伸成河堤的懸崖邊

她的位置較高且在愛的後面

因此可以看到愛的全貌

因而使她的整個人生更勇敢

喬勒住了她的馬湯姆士

發現愛的確很漂亮

她穿著銀色和深紅色的華麗絲綢

喬訝異的是

愛衣服上有許多毛皮

她在死的黃鼠狼毛裡做什麼?

“這裡越來越冷”愛回答

並不總是有擁抱和溫暖

有時候…

像現在…

冷到白天時也會下霜

那你的愛在哪裡?

就在這裡

坐在松樹頂端等我回去

毛皮幫助我們有耐心和減少憂慮

“這就是當我不在那裏時的我”愛高興地說

“為什麼你要離棄自己?”喬問

愛站起來…轉身回答後消失

“這是個很好的問題”

喬轉過身,

在那裡…坐在湯姆斯的尾巴上…是愛

正直視著她

愛真是漂亮

喬的視線停留在愛微張的嘴唇上

“很多時後大部分的我只是肚子,卵,種子,和嬰兒

喔…嬰兒們

真是神聖

,可是就連他們,

神聖中的最神聖,

美麗中的最美麗

,有時候也會離棄你”

然後消失

愛躺在湯姆士的鬃毛上

“妳知道嗎

我有可能離棄妳

但你可以決定永遠不離棄我”

然後再一次消失

愛逐漸變大,坐在懸崖邊

她的腳在崖邊晃著

愛美麗的眼睛平視著喬及湯姆斯

“我不懂為什麼你為什麼要遺棄自己,喬,或者你是否可以”

已更新項目:

原文是(有好幾段因為字數不夠)

There was a train…called The Wild Stallion

Pulling three flatbed carriages

Along a bracken encrusted line

Parallel and close to a long…straight…stony…shore

Clear blue sky….flat sea….early spring

2 個已更新項目:

Plum trees covered in white and pink

The willows in a green glimmer

Lots of finely sheep mown paddocks

With scrub and thickets and the odd…lone…tree

3 個已更新項目:

The engineer Paul…was a stocky man

Whose gym built muscles kept his arms out from his sides and his thighs spread

His wife Jo…had a pleased relaxed look on her face…

And she knowingly left Paul always satisfied…

Before he went to work

4 個已更新項目:

But one day…when she was out hunting

Jo chanced upon love

5 個已更新項目:

Love was sitting on the tip of a sequoia

In a lotus posture

Love was gazing down the river

And Jo was riding on the edge of the cliff

That became the river’s bank further down stream

She was slightly above and behind Love

6 個已更新項目:

And was thus afforded this perspective on Love

The emboldened her whole life

She reined in her horse Thomas

And saw that Love was indeed gorgeous

Sumptuously dressed in silver and crimson silks

7 個已更新項目:

And to her horror

The richest of furs

What was Love doing in the skins of dead weasels?

“it gets cold out here”, Love answered,”

Its not all cuddles and hotties

8 個已更新項目:

Sometimes…

It gets so cold the frost falls in the light of day

Where’s you love then?

Right here,

Sitting atop a pine tree waiting for myself to return

And it helps to have a fur coat so that we don’t get impatient or worry.

9 個已更新項目:

This is me when I’m not there”, said Love gaily

“Why would you abandon yourself” Jo asked

Love stood up,…turning to answer and vanished

“Very good question”

10 個已更新項目:

Jo spun around,

There….sitting on Thomas’s tail…was Love

Looking straight at her

Love was gorgeous

Jo couldn’t take her eyes off Love’s lips which parted

11 個已更新項目:

“A lot of me is just bellies and eggs and seed and babies.

Oh…the babies

So divine

12 個已更新項目:

But even they,

The most divine of the divine,

The most gorgeous of the gorgeous

,sometimes abandon you”

And vanished

Love was now lying on Thomas’s mane

13 個已更新項目:

“You see,

I might abandon you

But you can decide never to abandon me”

And vanished again

14 個已更新項目:

Love had grown and was sitting on the cliff’s edge

, legs dangling over,

Love’s beautiful eyes level with Jo on Thomas

“I don’t know why you would abandon yourself Jo

Or even if you can”

1 個解答

評分
  • 1 0 年前
    最佳解答

    Formerly had a train name to be called the wild horse

    to tow three plate carriages

    to walk in on the ferns cover railway rail

    parallel drives in one also is long…Also straight…Shi Anpang

    limpid blue sky…Tranquil sea…The initial spring

    flesh color and the white flower covers the plum

    willow to glitter the green light

    flocks of sheep to eat the forage grass

    is revolving by the bush as well as an unusual lonely tree

    Engineer Paulo is the muscle which a strong

    man he practices causes the arm and the both legs flares

    his wife Qiao…Reveals joyful and the relaxed expression

    she before knew but Paulo works always satisfied

    goes out one day….When she egressed goes hunting

    Qiao to meet” the love” “

    the love” to sit cross-legged accidentally in red unlined upper garment tree's peak

    bird's eye view river

    2009-02-19 15:27:33 補充:

    Qiao is riding a horse in extended nearby the stream bank cliff

    her position to compare Gao Qie in behind which loved

    therefore may see loved thus

    the complete picture caused her entire life braver

    2009-02-19 15:28:16 補充:

    Qiao to restrain her horse Tom gentleman

    to discover liked indeed very being attractive

    she to put on silver and scarlet red magnificent silk

    Qiao is astonished is

    2009-02-19 15:28:34 補充:

    What likes on clothes having many

    furs she yellow weasel Mao Lizuo who dies?

    “Here is more and more cold” likes replying

    not always has the hug and warm

    sometimes…

    Likely now…

    2009-02-19 15:28:54 補充:

    Leng Dao daytime when also meets there is a white frost

    Then your love in where?

    On sits in

    here in the pine tree peak waits for me to go back

    the fur to help us to have the patience and the reduced anxiety

    “this is when I do not like when there I” saying happily

    2009-02-19 15:29:04 補充:

    “why you do have to abandon oneself?”Qiao Wen

    likes standing…After turns around the reply to vanish

    “this is a very good question”

    Qiao has turned around,

    in there…Sits on Thomas's tail…Is likes

    looking straight ahead her

    The love really is the attractive

    2009-02-19 15:29:21 補充:

    Qiao's line of sight pauses after loves on the micro lip

    “very many time majority of I only is the belly, the egg, the seed, with baby

    oh…The babies

    really are sacred

    , but they,

    sacred most sacred,

    beautiful most beautiful

    ,

    2009-02-19 15:29:30 補充:

    sometimes also can abandon you”

    then vanishing

    to like lying down 妳 knows in on the Tom gentleman's

    long neck hair “

    But I have the possibility to abandon

    you to be possible to decide never abandons me”

    2009-02-19 15:29:33 補充:

    then again to vanish

    likes increasing gradually, why sits her

    foot shakes on the one hand the cliff on the other hand the cliff

    is liking the beautiful eye horizontally viewing Qiao and

    Thomas “I does not understand you why to have to abandon oneself, Qiao, or you whether can”

    參考資料: I'm ABC Teacher
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