Tony 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 1 0 年前

能幫我修改這一篇作文嗎? 文法部分 勿刪 謝謝

能幫我修改這一篇作文嗎? 文法部分

I Am against Having Pre-Marriage Sex

Pre-marriage sex used to be a taboo, but now most teenagers think that pre-marriage sex is not a big deal and could be acceptable. Nevertheless, I still claim that pre-marriage sex is extremely inappropriate.

According to a survey by National Chung Hsing University, about six hundred and five female students regret having sex before marriage. They say that one out of four men become irresponsible and abandon them after pre-marriage sex. These men think the women who have pre-marriage sex are so cheap that it is not worthwhile to love them. I believe that if women want to have good reputation, pre-marriage sex should be banned.

In addition, both men and women are afraid that the course of pre-marriage sex might be recorded with the VCD secretly by others. Take Qu Mei Feng’s sex videos, for example, she was recorded during the course of pre-marriage sex. At that time, Qu Mei Feng couldn’t bear the public voice and moved to England. Her previous boyfriends were sniffed by others and had difficulty finding the spouse. This event can prove that pre-marriage sex could be devastating.

Last, the pre-marriage sex could cause abortion. Many obstetricians indicated that every year, over 630 women receive the abortion surgery. About 430 of them are unmarried. When the people enjoy the excitement of pre-marriage sex, little do they know that the result might be a loss of an innocence life. Pre-marriage sex could lead to the loss of innocence life.

To sum up, the side effects of pre-marriage sex are numerous. Its outcomes are unbearable. As a result, I don’t agree with pre-marriage sex.

請不要刪 好嗎 真的很謝謝肯幫忙的大家 我很希望透過大家的指點 有所成長 謝謝

已更新項目:

由於電腦無法控制

所以會有變動

Pre-marriage sex used to be a taboo...到I still claim that pre-marriage sex is extremely inappropriate. 是第一段

2 個已更新項目:

According to a survey by National Chung Hsing University, ..到 pre-marriage sex should be banned.是第二段

3 個已更新項目:

In addition, both men and women are afraid that the course of pre-marriage sex might be recorded with the VCD secretly by others....到This event can prove that pre-marriage sex could be devastating.是第三段

4 個已更新項目:

Last, the pre-marriage sex could cause abortion...到 Pre-marriage sex could lead to the loss of innocence life. 是第四段

5 個已更新項目:

To sum up, the side effects of pre-marriage sex are numerous. Its outcomes are unbearable. As a result, I don’t agree with pre-marriage sex.

第五段

6 個解答

評分
  • Kevin
    Lv 7
    1 0 年前
    最佳解答

    1. Grammatical suggestions only:

    They say that one out of four men became irresponsible and abandoned them after pre-marriage sex.

    Take Qu Mei Feng's sex videos, for example. She was recorded during the course of pre-marriage sex. She couldn't bear the public voice accusing her and moved to England. Her previous boyfriends were sniffed at by others and had difficulty finding spouses.

    As a result, I am opposed to pre-marriage sex.

    2. Logical suggestions:

    They say that one out of four men become irresponsible and abandon them after pre-marriage sex.

    Western people generally don't regard sexual relationships as liabilities, so I don't think the word "irresponsible" has a place here.

    I believe that if women want to have good reputation, pre-marriage sex should be banned.

    When you "ban" something, you give an order that people not do it. I don't think there is, and will be, any decree of such kind.

    Last, the pre-marriage sex could cause abortion.

    It's reasonable that physical impact, medications, or radiation can "cause" abortion, but pre-marriage sex would just result in the "necessity" of abortion, rather than the event itself.

    By the way, what you referred to as pre-marriage sex regarding the sexual scandal seems to me a case of "out-marriage sex" instead.

    Also I don't think pre-marriage sex has anything to do with the innocence of life, which you do lose when you are involved in robbery, killing, or doing anything bad to people.

    2009-05-13 11:56:31 補充:

    My version of paraphrase:

    I Am against Having Pre-Marriage Sex

    Pre-marriage sex, which used to be a taboo, is now considered acceptable by most teenagers. Nevertheless I still see it as extremely inappropriate.

    2009-05-13 11:57:04 補充:

    According to a survey by National Chung Hsing University, six hundred and five female students regret having sex before marriage, saying that one out of four men who they have sex with turned out leaving them afterward.

    2009-05-13 11:57:18 補充:

    These men may very well think women who have pre-marriage sex are so cheap that they are not worth loving. Hence I believe that pre-marriage sex tends to put women at risk of notoriety and should be avoided.

    2009-05-13 11:57:48 補充:

    What makes things worse is the potential threat of hidden cameras, which could turn the supposed pleasure into a total nightmare. Take the sexual scandal involvung Qu Mei Feng for example.

    2009-05-13 11:57:54 補充:

    She went under such huge and unbearable public pressure that made her move to England, with her previous boyfriends sniffed at by others and having difficulty finding spouses. All these have shown how devastating pre-marriage sex can turn.

    2009-05-13 11:58:10 補充:

    One more issue to be concerned about is abortion. Obstetricians indicate that every year, over 630 women receive abortion, among whom 430 are unmarried. When people enjoy the excitement of pre-marriage sex, little do they know that the result might be loss of the innocence of life.

    2009-05-13 11:58:23 補充:

    Those are the reasons I am opposed to pre-marriage sex, of which the side effects are numerous and the outcomes unbearable.

    2009-05-13 11:59:12 補充:

    4. As you can see yourself, your writing has improved a lot with few, if any, grammatical errors to correct. All you have to work on is make your contents more reasonable.

    Keep up the good work!

    2009-05-13 12:00:56 補充:

    Corrections:

    According to a survey by National Chung Hsing University, six hundred and five female students regretted having sex before marriage, saying that one out of four men who they had sex with ended up leaving them afterward.

    2009-05-13 12:01:28 補充:

    One more issue in concern is abortion. Obstetricians indicate that every year, over 630 women undergo abortion, among whom 430 are unmarried. When people enjoy the excitement of pre-marriage sex, little do they know what awaits them might be some intimidation to their health.

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    6 年前

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  • Elisa
    Lv 7
    1 0 年前

    "Pre-marital sex" is a better word usage than "pre-marriage sex".

  • Joseph
    Lv 5
    1 0 年前

    可以考慮用 "premarital sex" 來取代 "pre-marriage sex".

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  • ?
    Lv 4
    1 0 年前

    我覺得你寫的很好了,簡單幫你修改一下:

    Pre-marriage sex used to be a taboo, but now most teenagers think that pre-marriage sex is not a big deal and could be acceptable. Nevertheless, I still claim that pre-marriage sex is extremely inappropriate.

    According to a survey conducted by National Chung Hsing University, about 605 female students regreted having sex before marriage. They said that one out of four men became irresponsible and abandoned them after pre-marriage sex. Those men thought the women who had pre-marriage sex were so cheap and were not worthwhile to be loved. I believe that if women want to have good reputation, pre-marriage sex should be banned.

    In addition, both men and women are afraid that the course of pre-marriage sex might be secretly recorded with the hidden cam by others. Take Qu Mei Feng's sex videos, for example, she was recorded during the course of pre-marriage sex. At that time, Qu Mei Feng couldn't bear the public criticism and moved to England. Her previous boyfriends were sniffed by others and had difficulty in finding the spouse. This event proved that pre-marriage sex could be devastating.

    Last, the pre-marriage sex could cause abortion and lead to the loss of innocence life. Many obstetricians indicated that, over 630 women received the abortion surgery every year. About 430 of them are unmarried. When the people enjoy the excitement of pre-marriage sex, little do they know that the result might be a loss of an innocence life.

    To sum up, the side effects of pre-marriage sex are numerous. Its outcomes are unbearable. As a result, I don't agree with pre-marriage sex.

    你這是 essay writing 的體裁

    建議你最後一段話,不但要總結你第一段話的論點

    還要引申出一些新意

    譬如:該加強這方面的宣導教育啦;

    或你決定獻身於這方面的義工行列啦;

    或者你要如何規劃你的愛情之路啦;

    等等

  • 1 0 年前

    謝謝Albert大師

    2009-05-12 10:49:42 補充:

    感謝mike大師的幫忙

    2009-05-13 18:26:07 補充:

    謝謝 Kevin大師

    非常感激您對於文法部份與邏輯部份的修正

    說實話 很多老師改作業也沒有像你般如此盡心盡力啊

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