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Chiayi 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 9 年前

請幫我訂正作文(英文)

請幫我檢查一下文法和文意會不會不順,還有用字之類的,

我知道自己的英文很差,如果真的無法理解我會再附上中文文意,

有任何問題都請幫我提出來好嗎?謝謝:)

David, an unforgettable person in my life, passed away on six years ago.He was one of my best friends in junior high school; he was the one always that made everybody happy at class. He passed away on last autumn of my junior high school. One day when I got home after school, I got a phone call – was my classmate, she was crying and telling me “David had the traffic accident.” I really didn’t know how to face this situation. “What about now?” I asked. She replied “He sent to the Chang Gung Memorial Hospital.” And she went on to say, “It’s very serious.” At that moment, my tears run down from my eyes – the date was October 22, 2005. Two days later, our teacher told us, “The situation of David is bad and his coma scale is only three.” And our teacher went on to say, “David’s parents decide to remove Endo for him.” No one to say something only had more and more sobs in a low voice. On that night, all of our classmates go to the hospital and one by one into the Intensive Care Unit to see him last face – the date was October 24, 2005. Seven days later, I couldn’t control myself, I was crying and got a lump in my throat on his bury. Until now, I am missing him so much. I really think we should cherish all the people around us.

已更新項目:

Dear Browneye

如果有任何句子看起來怪怪的請幫我提出來好嗎?

如何有問題的地方都可以,

這篇文章其實原本的篇幅要再長一點,但因為有字數的限制,所以被我刪成這樣

所以可能會有一些句子感覺很突兀之類的(前後切換的不夠順)

像我自己就覺得'Seven days later, I couldn’t control myself, I was crying and got a lump in my throat on his bury'這句是不是要刪掉比較好?諸如此類都可以幫我提出來:)

2 個已更新項目:

Dear Browneye

不好意思,我沒有注意到你和回答者001是同一個人XD"

恩,我大致上了解了~

剩下的部分我可以找我的同學討論,謝謝你唷!

2 個解答

評分
  • 9 年前
    最佳解答

    1.passed away on six years ago.----應該不需要on

    2.; he was the one always that made everybody happy at class.---用分號這樣句子太長了,always 和 that 應該顛倒->He was the one that always made everybody happy in our class.

    3.He passed away on last autumn of my junior high school.---這句的意思有點怪怪的,發問者應該是想說"他在我國中最後的一個秋天過世了",但是我看了很多遍,就中文的語法ok,可是"last autumn"會被翻為"上一個秋天" 而不是"最後一個秋天",能力有限,不太知道應該怎麼翻成你要表達的意思

    4.. One day when I got home after school, I got a phone call – was my classmate, she was crying and telling me ----本句少了連接詞,雖然有when 連接前面兩個got,但是後面的was少了,造成一個句子兩個動詞卻沒有連接詞,另外我也覺得-was my classmate 有點怪,所以我改成 "I got a phone call from my classmate who was crying and telling me" 遇到太多動詞詞,建議使用關代(who,which,that)或改為分詞(主動:ing 被動:pp)

    5.“He sent to the Chang Gung Memorial Hospital.”----應該是"他被送去醫院" ,因此應該使用"過去被動" "was sent"

    6. At that moment, my tears run down from my eyes----我是沒看過"run down"這種用法,我經常看的是用 roll,且應該用過去式 rolled

    7. No one to say something only had more and more sobs in a low voice------好像有點不順,我會改成 "Nobody said anything but had more and more sobs in a low voice"

    8.On that night, all of our classmates go to the hospital and one by one into the Intensive Care Unit to see him last face----這整句有點怪,本意應該是"在那個晚上,所有班上的同學去了那家醫院,並且一個接著一個進去加護病房看他最後一面" ,重述上面的問題,連接詞是連接兩個句子,但是後面 and one 那裏並沒有動詞,連see 都是使用不定詞,因此有點怪怪的,我會改為:In the evening,all of my classmates went to the hospital and we saw his last face in the Intensive Care Unit one by another.

    9.Seven days later, I couldn’t control myself, I was crying and got a lump in my throat on his bury. ----第一,一樣兩個動詞了,請加連接詞,第二,也許是能力有限,我盡力猜測到 "on his bury"應該是在他的葬禮上,葬禮請用"Funeral",但是"got a lump in my throat",我只能猜出是喉嚨怎樣....無法改

    10.Until now, I am missing him so much. I really think we should cherish all the people around us.--------若你是想說"直到現在,我仍非常想念他",那請用現在完成式,"直到"有讓人感覺到從那時到現在你有一直"持續"的動作,若是沒有,建議把until改掉,改成"And now,"

    2011-12-24 23:11:02 補充:

    補充也只能補充太少字= =

    由於本人並不是什麼專業人士 有錯誤或疏漏的地方請指出

    另外 基於尊重發問者的原意,我只就文法和用字錯誤修正

    有些句子看起來仍怪怪的

    2011-12-25 18:06:07 補充:

    其實要看發問者的程度和寫這篇作文的用意

    如果非正式的話 就還好

    但是如果是要準備像學測那樣

    我想如果我寫這樣 應該會被老師批死喔~XD

    如果發問者是先寫好中文 在翻成英文(建議不要這樣)

    我相信中文原稿一定看起來沒問題

    但是翻成英文 你的Chinese English 味道太重了

    參考資料: 我和我朋友+google
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  • 9 年前

    哈...我們老師也這麼說ˊ..ˋ

    不過我正在想辦法改盡,謝謝你!!!!

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