bunny 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 8 年前

拜託各位英文高手和老師們 麻煩幫我改一下英文作文

這是今年學測的作文題目

二 、 英 文 作 文 ( 占 2 0分 )

說明︰1.依提示在「答案卷」上寫一篇英文作文。

2.文長至少120個單詞(words)。

提 示 ︰ 你 最 好 的 朋 友 最 近 迷 上 電 玩,因 此 常 常 熬 夜,疏 忽 課 業,並 受 到 父 母 的 責 罵。你( 英文 名 字 必 須 假 設 為 J a ck 或 J i l l) 打 算 寫 一 封 信 給 他 /她 ( 英 文 名 字 必 須 假 設 為 Ken或 Barbi e) , 適 當 地 給 予 勸 告 。

請 注 意 : 必 須 使 用 上 述 的J a c k或J i l l在 信 末 署 名 ,不 得 使 用 自 己 的 真 實 中 文 或 英 文 名 字。

我現在高二,從來沒有寫過英文作文

希望大家幫我改完後

可以再給我一些建議 像是結構失衡、用字問題或是文法選擇失當等等

(我覺得自己"However," "After all," "In fact," 這種詞在短文裡好像用太多了 也麻煩大家不吝賜教) 非常感激><

Dear Barbie: I have heard that you just have a serious argument with your parents. Realizing that you may not accept their opinions, I hope you know that everyone who loves you is worried about you. I have noticed you not only often fell asleep during the class but also had black eyes recently. Burning the midnight oil as well as using computer is harmful to your health What's more, the more time you spend at home, the less time you go exercise with us. I miss those times we played badminton together and I need you to be my partner. Being a teenager, playing computer games is commonly. However, I think we need to make a balance between school and distraction. After all, those games and Internet are simply virtue, they are not worthwhile to put in. It’s not exaggerated to say that the duty of students is studying. Well, as your best friend, I just hope you to think carefully, and look forward to seeing you running on the ground or studying at the library again. With warmest wishes. Sincerely Jill

5 個解答

評分
  • 8 年前
    最佳解答

    Dear Barbie:

    I have heard that you just have had a serious argument with your parents. Realizing that you may not accept agree with their opinions, I hope you know that everyone who loves you is worried about you. I have noticed you not only often fell asleep during the class but also had black eyes dark circles around your eyes recently. Burning the midnight oil as well as using on computer games is harmful to your health. What's more Besides, the more time you spend indoors at home, the less time you go out exercise with us. I miss those times we played badminton together and I need you to be my partner.

    Being a For any teenagers, playing computer games is commonly. However, I think we need to make a balance between school and play distraction. After all, those games and the Internet are simply for fun virtue, they are not worthwhile to put time into. It’s not exaggerating ed to say that the duty of a students is to studying.

    Well, a As your best friend, I just hope you would to think carefully, and look forward to seeing you running on the school ground or studying at the library again.

    With warmest wishes.

    Sincerely Jill

    第一次寫作文,寫得不錯。英文作文的用字用詞,老師評分有寬有鬆,但文法錯誤一定扣分。像這兩句,同句型你一次用對,一次用錯,顯然不是不知道文法,是不小心!文章寫完一定要重讀,切記!

    I have heard that you just have a serious argument...

    I have noticed you not only often fell asleep...

    一個現在式,一個過去式? have 要改成 had。

    Realizing that you may not..., I hope you know ....

    Being a teenager, playing computer games....

    分詞構句主要子句主詞必須與分詞的主詞一致。這 playing 絕對大扣分!「玩」怎麼會是 teenager? 你朋友才是 teenager。

    任何英語流利的人,都不會犯這個錯!我將第二句改成介係詞片語 For any teenagers 就可以保留後面主詞 playing 了。

    2012-01-21 01:13:01 補充:

    Dear Barbie:

    I have heard that you just had a serious argument with your parents. Realizing that you may not agree with their opinions, I hope you know that everyone who loves you is worried about you. Recently I have noticed that you not only often fell asleep during the class but also

    2012-01-21 01:13:35 補充:

    had dark circles around your eyes. Burning the midnight oil on computer games is harmful to your health. Besides, the more time you spend indoors, the less time you go out exercising with us. I miss those times we played badminton together and I need you to be my partner.

    2012-01-21 01:14:53 補充:

    For any teenagers, playing computer games is common. However, I think we need to make a balance between school and play. After all, computer games and the Internet are only for fun, not worthwhile to put time into. It’s not exaggerating to say that the duty of a student is to study.

    2012-01-21 01:15:39 補充:

    As your best friend, I just hope you would think carefully, and I look forward to seeing you running on the school ground or studying at the library again.

    With warmest wishes.

    Sincerely Jill

    2012-01-21 01:29:57 補充:

    你文章結構很好。分段清楚,不簡單!下面是這些用字更改的理由:

    accept 跟 agree with 意思不同,accept 可能是被迫接受意見,agree with 是出自內心認同。

    distraction 是「分心」。一個人分心就是分心,無法平衡。 school and play 之間才能平衡。

    簡單用 black eyes 形容黑眼圈不是不可以,但 black eyes 還有「黑眼珠」的意思。你注意她近來有黑眼珠? 所以用 dark circles around your eyes 雖然字多,卻最精確。

    2012-01-22 00:44:53 補充:

    Get real, Prisoner!

    Imagination sounds great! Passion definitely makes my blood boil. But you're barking up the wrong tree.

    This high school kid lives in the real world of TAIWAN. He is taking an English exam so that he can go to local colleges. He is not writing a big essay to get into Harvard.

    2012-01-22 00:45:46 補充:

    The English exam is a subject test, just like your SAT II. You are not taking SAT II to show how imaginative and how passionate you are as a person; instead, you demonstrate your proficiency in English.

    2012-01-22 00:46:26 補充:

    Someone will read this kid's English essay and hand down his verdict, not based on intimacy or anything else, but the correct usage of English, period!

    2012-01-22 00:47:09 補充:

    On your judgment day, you are not going to brag about imagination and passions to the Almighty. It is the simple 'right or wrong' that decides where you go.

  • 8 年前

    It was surprising that you teached me so warmly.

    If I come to the place more often, maybe I will be more passionate.

    (The reason why I wrote in English was that I thought it disgusting to say it in Chinese.)but no go beyond

    2012-01-23 04:27:32 補充:

    I think that writing passionately is absolutely important, too.

    However, you can't ask me to make a Axel jump when I can't even stand on the ice.(Since my English is so poor......

    Again, thank you! : )

  • 8 年前

    Blah, blah, blah - are you sure you are teenager? Dude, look at your writing? Why do you suddenly become 80 years old? Or are you a teenage ninja priest in disguise?

    I just keep wondering why most ordinary youngsters turn into parents when they start preaching others? What hypocrites!

    2012-01-21 13:19:52 補充:

    I don't blame the Lion and the Melon for writing that way - they are old dudes. But for high school junior? No way. Do write your own passions but not what you are expected to.

    2012-01-21 13:28:29 補充:

    With all due respect to the Lion dude on what he said - however, I beg to differ. I don't think techniques will be your problem in writing. Imagination, intimacy, and passions will be.

    2012-01-22 01:48:06 補充:

    Oh, yeh - this is really getting Lion dude's juices going. Roar!

    Fair enough! Lion's assertion does have its own merits and the choice is really my little bunny's. Do you want to trade your Nobel prize for admission to a Taiwanese local college?

    2012-01-22 01:53:42 補充:

    Dude! Shoot for the moon and live dangerously. You can live only once and don't you pretend to be 80 when you are 18.

    All good writers write passionately.

    2012-01-22 04:49:18 補充:

    OK - let me walk my walk and show you how a real teenager talks to her friend.

    Hey, Barb,

    Did you just have a quarrel with your folks? Man! I thought you had it all figured out, being the smartest girl I have known. Will it jeopardize your plan for college? You know Lion, Melon, and I are all..

    2012-01-22 22:47:18 補充:

    Oh, no! My little bunny is going with the Lion - he will swallow you alive. But you maybe too small for him as a meal.

    But, anyway, what I said is true not only for writing in English but also that in Taiwanese (or in any human, non-human languages).

    Oh, no - I, myself is turning into an 80...

  • 阿昌
    Lv 7
    8 年前

    親愛的芭比娃娃:

    我聽說,你只需要一個與你的父母嚴重論點。意識到,你可能不接受他們的意見,我希望你知道,每個人都擔心你愛你。我已經注意到你不僅經常睡著了在課堂,但也有黑色的眼睛最近。挑燈夜戰,以及利用計算機對您的健康是有害的,更重要的是,更多的時間呆在家裡的時間就越少,你跟我們一起去運動。我懷念那些我們打羽毛球​​,我需要你是我的合作夥伴。

    作為一個少年,玩電腦遊戲,通常是。不過,我認為我們需要學校和分心之間的平衡。畢竟,這些遊戲和互聯網是簡單的美德,他們是不值得放進去不誇張地說,對學生的職責是研究。

    好了,你最好的朋友,我只希望你仔細思考,並期待著看到你在地面上運行或再次在圖書館學習。

    用最熱烈的祝愿。

    真誠吉爾

    這是我翻出來的,沒什麼錯誤!

  • 您覺得這個回答如何?您可以登入為回答投票。
  • 8 年前

    Master LionEnglish has done much more extensive correction of your work. I decided to withdraw my answer and placed in the opinion as your reference. I only have ONE suggestion, that is: not to use too many "I" to start your sentence.

    2012-01-21 01:57:31 補充:

    Dear Barbie:

    Learning that you just have a serious argument with your parents, I realize you would not accept their opinions. You know, everyone who loves you is worrying about you.

    2012-01-21 01:58:02 補充:

    I have noticed that you not only often fell asleep during the class but also had black eyes recently. Burning the midnight oil while using computer is harmful to your health.

    2012-01-21 01:58:28 補充:

    What's more? The more time you stay at home, the less time you would go exercising with us. I miss those times we played badminton together and I like you to be my playing partner.

    2012-01-21 01:58:59 補充:

    Being a teenager, playing computer games is common. Nevertheless, I think we need to balance between school work and distraction activities

    2012-01-21 01:59:25 補充:

    After all, those games and internet are simply virtual realities, they are not worthwhile for you to spend time in them. It’s not my exaggeration to say that the duty of students is to study.

    2012-01-21 01:59:46 補充:

    Well, as your best friend, I command you to think logically and consciously, and look forward to seeing you running on the school field or studying at the library again.

    With warmest wishes.

    Sincerely

    Jill

    2012-01-21 02:01:20 補充:

    Master LionEnglish:

    I like the way you use lighter color as indication of removal. Thank you for giving me an idea for this kind of editing.

還有問題?馬上發問,尋求解答。