小圈 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 8 年前

全民英檢中級作文批改~希望專業人士解答:)

時下年輕人喜歡上網交友 請說明上網交友流行的原因 以及你對上網交友的看法

Nowadays, many teenagers like to spend time making friends on the internet ,

and I’ll take three reasons to explain this phenomenon.

First, juveniles who like to make friends on the internet want to spread their Friends-field so that can make themselves seemed popular.Second ,some teenagers are not good at expressing themselves at school and home, therefore, they use internet to chat with people. Third, some juveniles often feel lonely and stressful, but they don’t want to talk to people they know.

To sum up, these reason caused juvenile like making friends on the internet. However, in my opinion, I am object to this phenomenon because it could bring

some potential dangerous. For example,some bad guys would ask girs out from

the internet and rape them or some teenagers might make bad friends and skip

class.It goes without saying that teenagers should take care of themselves when

they make friends on the internet.

希望專家能用全民英檢中級的作文評分標準告訴我能拿幾分

然後希望能給我點指教 關於這篇文章的組織或文法哪裡有大問題

因為覺得這篇好像有點寫太多 可以告訴我如何讓文章更精簡化嗎?

非常感謝:)

1 個解答

評分
  • 8 年前
    最佳解答

    我先大概講一下 就是說

    結尾太過冗長

    To sum up總言之

    表示說你解說已經完畢 準備給個Conclusion

    而非繼續解說下去 ~~~~ (汗

    然後有些字可能中級作文用不到 你查到的大概當參考就好

    避免中式英文去串寫

    等等9點多 我如果有空的話 我在上來修改

    如果沒空 可能得延至明天 或者等其他大師改吧~~ XD

    2012-08-17 21:18:18 補充:

    XD 又碰面了

    廢話不多說 咱們切入重點

    整篇文章要4級分是不可能的事

    內容我其實嘛.... 不覺得好,3級OK啦

    但不至於到3.5

    首先! 一定先把稿子給打好

    (1) 開頭主題 (2) 敘述 (3) 結論

    結構打好之後,在去設想你那段落準備寫什麼東西

    接著要如何串起來解說

    不要刻意去把它想太難太複雜

    也不要刻意用難度的字詞或複雜的句型

    這樣反而會造成你的內容不好理解

    今天我就以你寫的內容改編一下

    開頭你就可以直接點述: 現代愈來愈多人喜歡上網 交友

    可以直接把你的想法講出來 ( in my opinion~

    (1) 網路交友 虛張自己的人際關係 (遭毆

    (2) 表達能力差,所以只好網路待

    (3) 有心事不敢跟熟人講,所以只好用網路痛快發揮

    你如果跟其中一原因一樣,你也可以說 and I am no exception

      Nowadays, more and more teenagers like to spend time

    making friends on the internet, but why does this phenomenon

    become popular among the young people? In my opinion, there

    are several reasons as following. First, those who feel like being

    popular on the Internet may use it to expand their relationship.

    Secondly, some teenagers are not skilled in expressing themselves

    at school and home. Therefore, they have no choice but to have a

    chat through the Internet. Moreover, they could not express their

    feelings by telling their friends but by posting articles on blogs.

    第二段可以直接把缺點搬上來敘述

    但記得用轉折語強調

    然後尾巴可以說明 "網路很重要沒錯! 但有時卻是披著羊毛的狼

    夠可怕了吧?! XD

      However, I am object to this phenomenon. Why do I say so?

    This is because some teenagers may skip class and school after

    making bad company. Internet sometimes plays a vital role in their

    lives but a wolf in sheep's clothing.

    切入結尾

    這結尾也是我很喜歡用的老梗

    "對網路曉知的重要性 再怎強調也不為過"

      To sum up, in spite of its magnet for teenagers, the importance

    of awareness on the Internet cannot be over-emphasized.

    三段寫法也好,四段寫法也好

    四段的話,比例自己拿好,否則會吃虧

    但是我今天三段的寫法,與以往不同在於:

    我第一段述原因(幾乎是在講網路優勢

    第二段述缺點

    第三段作結尾

    以往的我

    第一段就直接主題 (可以參考我前次批改你的

    (但我今天的主題句仍保留著 並沒有因此就砍掉

    第二段敘述,第三段結尾

    2012-08-17 21:21:50 補充:

    開頭你用Nowadays或in modern-day society都可

    然後直接點出主題 以及態度

    (依照我的內容 你應該會感受到一股強烈"樂觀"感XD

    這不是重點

    重點在於 In my opinion 很重要!!

    there are several reasons as following

    這是進一步舉例說明時 方便給你接句子用

    才不會看起來跳來跳去

    也許你會對我有所疑問 為何要用feel like

    第一就是選字難度 第二就是不要重複want

    2012-08-17 21:26:00 補充:

    再來

    開拓人際關係

    可用expand their relationship (我個人習慣用broaden或expand啦

    開拓視野 = expand one's horizons

    be skilled in

    = be good at

    ( 你也可以改成be adept in 或 be adroit in )

    都可以翻譯為"擅長於"

    那再來 本篇文章豋場人物 除了internet 還有青少年

    通常我們會用adolescent或teenager

    或直接the young people

    ( 其實那個j開頭的字我是不認識啦XDD )

    2012-08-17 21:28:37 補充:

    have no choice but to V

    意思就是"不得不"或是別無抉擇的意思

    你也可以改成 have no alternative but to V

    假使你擔心你的文章字數不夠 就可以改片語取代

    像是chat = have a chat

    peep at = take a peep at

    particularly = in particular

    Therefore = as a result

    because of = on account of

    join => take part in

    2012-08-17 21:33:23 補充:

    再來

    but其實在中級 比較常用在對稱 或是肯定否定的交接

    如 it never rains but it pours

    意思就是壞事接二連三發生

    還有像是play a vital role in their lives but a wolf in sheep's clothing

    play a vital role/part 其實就是說明它很重要的意思

    那我這邊之所以不用important或essential 是因為我要給它對比

    "a wolf in sheep's clothing" 披著羊毛的狼

    表示說 雖然網路優勢多,但是!! 也暗藏著危機

    就像披著羊毛的狼 混入羊群中

    2012-08-17 21:35:53 補充:

    最後結尾可用To sum up

    或是to be brief等

    in spite of = despite = 儘管

    後面接名詞即可

    可順勢取代although使用

    硬要接句子 記得改成for all that 子句

    都有"僅管"的意思

    最後 magnet

    假使你要表達某事很attractive

    你可以改成 have much magnet for 人~

    參考資料: 有問題 直接補意見啦XD 以上僅供參考用途 不代表我改的是正確的~~
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