GEORGE 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 7 年前

請幫我糾正以下這一段!謝謝!

Exercise: Write a letter inviting a firm of caterers to quote for a staff dinner to be held on the caterers' premises. Ask what accommodation they have and state the number of diners and the approximate sum you are willing to spend on wine and food for each of the diners.

<my answer>

Dear General manager,

I am Jobs from Apple company and will host this year's dinner party . I am writing to inform you Mitsui Cusine restaurant is one of our favorate restaurants, with comfortable atmosphere, good service and delicious Japanese food. We need a dining room that can contain 500 people and our budget is 500 dollars each person. The dinner party will be held on Friday 28th June.

Would you please send me your proposal about the dinner party and the information about the price of food and drinks. Thanks for your help and looking forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Steven Jobs,

HR director

已更新項目:

請問prisoner大師指得表達要點次序錯誤是什麼意思?請指點!謝謝!

3 個解答

評分
  • 7 年前
    最佳解答

    1. 廢話太多 不符合美國商業書信慣例

    2.表達要點次序錯誤

    Dear Catering Manager,

    Apple company is in search of a caterer to facilitate our annual staff dinner party. the requirements are:

    1) 7 course formal dinner for 500 heads (US, Asian, and Mid-east persons)

    2) at the premise (provided by you) with valet parking and coat check

    3) social hours (1 hour) before dinner with snack and Hors d'oeuvre

    4) formal dancing ball (2 hours) afterward.

    5) budget per head is negotiable

    Please submit your proposal that should include:

    1) dinner menu

    2) location

    3) staff arrangement

    4) budge per head

    The proposal shall be received by June 23, 2013 for confidential considerations.

    Thanks,

    Prisoner, GM and Spokeswoman

    2013-06-03 09:18:19 補充:

    Nothing verbose can be deemed 2b good if you need to read (and respond to) 200 letters a day. Anyway, I really hate those badly written letters wasting time at both sides.

    2013-06-03 09:23:22 補充:

    Also, what in the world do you need to compliment the caterer when you are offering them a fair chance to earn your business while missing the requirements for the main purpose?

    2013-06-03 09:35:45 補充:

    Don't take me wrong - I do think everyone deserves common courtesy. But it is definitely wrong to spend same amount of writing in requirements as in compliments to the caterer.

    2013-06-03 09:38:02 補充:

    You always can compliment them to death after their excellent services, in the letter paying the bill, of course.

    2013-06-07 21:01:42 補充:

    The sequence?

    1. the first paragraph must show the purposes of the letter.

    2. all social hot airs and praises should come later.

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  • 7 年前

    Hi! Prisoner! Thanks for your suggestion! I'll remember it ^^

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  • 7 年前

    I honestly think the asker has done a good job with his/her writing, but I suppose in Prissy's eye, nothing is ever perfect eh?

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