J.H. 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 7 年前

請幫我改英文作文

今年學測完之後有一段時間沒寫英文作文了

請高手幫我改一下吧!順便指點我哪些地方要改進!

謝謝喔!

Two days ago, an elderly man and a businessman got on a train at the

MRT station. The elderly man walked very slowly and looked like he was in pain.

As soon as the warmhearted businessman saw it, he started to look for some

seats for the elderly man. Unfortunately, all seats had been sit without any rest seat.

Suddenly, the businessman glimpsed at a young man who was listening

to music and sitting on the Priority seat. Obviously, the young man didn't notice

the elderly man. Becoming a little angry, the upstanding businessman tapped

the young man on the shoulder and told him the seat which he sit right now was

Priority seat. So surprised and embarrassed was the young man that he stood

up immediately. Then, the elderly man sat down and kept thanking for the

businessman. At the same time, all the people around them gave the

businessman a big hand.

已更新項目:

用來形容熱心的商人的〝熱心〞形容詞藥用什麼比較好?

感覺用warmhearted 怪怪的......

2 個解答

評分
  • 7 年前
    最佳解答

    哈囉~ 看得出來你的底子粉好 :)

    以下是我小修過的內容:

    Two days ago, an elderly man and a businessman got on a train at the

    MRT station. The elderly man walked very slowly and looked like he was in pain.

    As soon as the warmhearted businessman saw it, he started to look for a seat for him. Unfortunately, all the seats around them had been taken already.

    Suddenly, the businessman glimpsed at a young man, who was listening

    to the music and sitting on the Priority seat. Obviously, the young man didn't notice the elderly man.

    Becoming a little angry, the upstanding businessman tapped

    the young man on the shoulder and told him the seat, which he was sitting on right now, was a Priority seat.

    So shocked and embarrassed was the young man that he stood

    up immediately. Then, the elderly man sat down and kept thanking the businessman for the help. At the same time, all the people around them gave the businessman a big hand.

    關於原文:

    我把he started to look for some seats for the elderly man的elderly man改成代名詞him, 不改也可以, 因為覺得elderly man重覆太多次了, 在不會令人誤解時適時利用代名詞取代為佳.

    all seats had been sit without any rest seat. 這句是全部我覺得唯一比較有問題的.首先文法上sit忘了改成被動sat; 但我不會建議這樣使用, 坐座位的英用take, 所以我用being taken.

    至於without any rest seat.我會覺得有重覆的問題, 因為all seats had been sit(座位都被佔完了) 及without any rest seat(沒有任何座位)意思一樣, 個人覺得擇一即可.

    PS: rest seat好像沒有聽過, 空位我會用vacant seats, 或 all seats are occupied(都被佔用/坐走了)

    附屬子句我在who前加個逗號表示限定, 因為指的是某"一"個人

    某人正在聽音樂我會用 is listening to the music.

    ,which he was sitting on right now, 的前後也各要加逗號表示補充; 過去進行式.

    a Priority seat 座位可數, 所以我加上個a.

    我把 surprised 改成 shocked的原因是surprised 為意料之外的意思, 不能說有錯.

    但shocked的解釋為"very offended or embarrassed by something that you consider immoral" 會更恰當. 因為他應該是有稍為驚嚇到的感覺.

    畢業六年有了, 以上是我的能力範圍, 學過的+住美國五年的語感, 不保證完美, 但也不至於太差, 以前是讀國際學生專用的黑本(中級)和藍本(進階), 給你參考嘍~

    參考資料: 以前主修英文/現居美國
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  • Louis
    Lv 7
    7 年前

    ...he was in pain.

    是一件事,不宜用it來代替,而是用指示代名詞that。

    而a businessman是無去立刻變成the warmhearted businessman的,因為warmhearted是有限定性質的修飾語,表示還有另一個businessman,但不是warmhearted。

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