小愛莉 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 6 年前

英文自傳!!請專家幫我看一看哪裡有問題

My name is XXX, you can also call me XXX. I have graduated from Ming Chuan University, where I majored in Applied English. I have 2 and half years experience moonlighting in retailing and 3 years in teaching. My former employers considered me as a considerate and reliable person. I’m more efficient when I’m stressful. I go to gym, take a deep breath to remove stress; therefore, once I get back to work, I’m fresher and more enthusiastic.

In my spare time, I enjoy cooking, making some cookies and traveling to meet different people around the world. And also, I enjoying working with people and have committed to devote myself to the service industry.

This is a starting point of my career, I believe that working in your company is the best for me not only to show my potential but widen my horizon as well.

請幫我看看哪裡有問題要改><還有文法哪裡有誤

謝謝!

3 個解答

評分
  • 6 年前
    最佳解答

    首先,"Moonlighting" 是個非常不正式,非常口語化的說法,如果這是個專業的自傳,那我勸你用"part-time job",這是比較正式的說法。

    e.g. I have had a part-time position in retail for two and one-half years; I have also had 3 years of teaching experience.

    專業文章內請不要用"I'm", "He'll", "You'll"之類的,把它全部寫出來"I am", "He will", "You will" etc.

    "I am more efficient when I am stressful" 這句話不是很順。

    改成"I work more efficiently under stress"會比較好。

    "I go to gym" ---> "I go to the gym"

    從I go to gym這句話到段落的意思不清楚,我想你想表達自己如何舒壓吧?

    那你應該先說明一下:

    "When I am stressed, I take a deep breath and visit the gym. This way, once I get back to work I would feel more refreshed and enthusiastic." 之類的。

    "And also" --> "Also"就好了

    "And also, I enjoying working with people and have committed to devote myself to the service industry" --> "Also, I enjoy working with people and I am committed to devote myself to the service industry"

    "This is the starting point of my career: I believe that I encompass the skills and abilities to work in your company, as it will not only show my potential, but widen my horizon as well."

    我的想法是,自傳應該多寫點妳retail還有教書的細節,你從中學到了什麼,為什麼想在貴公司工作等等的。

    加油囉!

    參考資料: 英文是母語
  • Louis
    Lv 7
    6 年前

    徵人單位最關心的不是你喜歡什麼,而是你到他們公司,能幫他們做什麼事(你要用你以前的工作經驗,並說明你所學的那些東西,可以在該公司做何種事)。公司不會聽你空口說白話,就付你薪水,讓你去學習的。學習是要付錢,所以學校都收學生學費,而不給薪水。你的自傳內容不符這個要點。

  • 6 年前

    I’m more efficient when I’m stressful. I go to gym, take a deep breath to remove stress;

    ==> I go to gym to manage my stress, so I can refresh and maintain my enthusiasm for my work.

    2014-06-28 01:34:56 補充:

    making some cookies ==> baking

    2014-06-28 01:36:02 補充:

    I enjoying working with …==> I enjoy working with …

    2014-06-28 01:38:52 補充:

    This is a starting point of my career, I believe that working in your company …

    ==> I believe that to work at your company is a starting point to advance my career. It not only can fulfill my potential but will expand my horizon as well.

    2014-06-28 01:40:42 補充:

    Basically, your writing has very few mistakes grammatically, but it is kind of lengthy in describing. I offer my suggestion for your reference.

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