M249 發問時間: 社會與文化語言 · 4 年前

請幫我改英文作文(學測) 謝謝?

寫一封說服父母的信,信中提出具體的理由來說服他們接納你的想法

必須以Jack 在信末署名

我的文章:

Dear Mother and Father,

I know that you don’t like me participating in school music club, and you think that it’s a waste of time. You worry about my grades, so you forbade me to join that. In addition, you regard the club’s members as bed students, since their academic performance isn’t good. Nevertheless, I want to tell you an important thing. That is, I will not drop out of this music club. I promise you if you agree me to stay in the club, my grades will not become poorer. What’s more, my grades might reach a record high! The reason why I took part in such a club is that I’m interested in music and it can free my anxiety or relieve my stress. As a result, my academic performance may improve. On the contrary, if you don’t agree with me, I will find no way to release my pressure, which results in a bad performance in school.

Those friends I made from this music club, is not as bad as you think. Poor as their academic performance is, they are good at other talents. For instance, one of my friends in the club, Mike, not only do he play the trumpet well, but he is also good at swimming. They have a lot of advantages which I can learn from. Friends come in all shapes and sizes, and I can broaden my horizon by getting along with them. Last but not least, I have found myself in this club, so I’m happy. I know what I really what. Please agree with me, I will not let you down!

Best regards

Jack

3 個解答

評分
  • Jenkin
    Lv 7
    4 年前
    最佳解答

    基本上寫法編排已經不錯,只抽出以上數句的個別用詞修改/串字錯誤供參考[附上一些解釋]:

    in the school music club [要加the指明某個團體]

    bad students [串錯BAD]

    their academic performance aren’t good [their performance理應指多個人的多個"成績",不會是多個人只有一個成績,因此動詞要用are]

    I want to tell you an important point. [thing是甚為"中文"的思想/寫法,英文用詞可以有很多精準的詞語,你這文章/句是"論點"/"重點",所以可以用"point"這個字。另外有時當你提出一個論據時,亦可用fact"事實"表示確據或人人都知的情況。其實這句你是指後句:I will not drop out of this music club.其實你要說的是"an important decision".已決定了。

    I promise you my grades will not become poorer.

    [中間那段if you agree me to stay in the club其實無需要,因為你的grade好壞並不是直接由你父母的"允許"或"同意"引致的],這種寫法是很"中文思維"的邏輯,及後的my grades might reach ..high亦是無根據的假設。其實你可以寫:I you agree to let me stay in the club, I promise I will maintain my grades or even get better, otherwise I will leave the club.這樣有條件和因果有直接關係的"討價還價"才成立。 另外grades ...poorer其實並不"英文",既然這是你的"想法",我也不給你改正了。

    it can ease my anxiety

    沒有free anxiety這動作的。緊張/擔憂的"釋放"跟stress的"釋放"差不多樣,所以要用不同動詞的話便要多讀英文書,看看別人如何寫anxiety, stress, pressure 等心理情況。

    which results in {} bad performance in school

    Those friends I made from this music club{} is not as bad as you think. [一句不用","]

    They have a lot of strong points which I can learn from. [我估advantages在你的中文意思是"優點"吧,請記住英文的advantages是優勢,只有講客觀狀況才會用,個人的優點是strong points/strength 強項, merits優勝之處/榮譽/奬項, virtue德行/修養。我聽過小組口語考試甚至見工都用錯話My advantages are...來列出自己的"性格"或"學習成績"有多好。

    Mike, not only does he play [he是用第三身單數動詞]

    I know what I really want. [串錯want字]

    祝你好好學習!

    Strengthen your English vocabularies and improve the writing skills to advance in learning to have advantage over your friends in school.

    增強你英語詞彙(用詞遣字)的能力和改善寫作的技巧以致在學習上長進能夠比你同校的朋友(同學)更勝一籌。

  • 4 年前

    寫一封說服父母的信,信中提出具體的理由來說服他們接納你的想法

    必須以Jack 在信末署名

    1. 結構:段落不分

    2. 邏輯:片段來看尚可,整體來說不及要點.(a)我不認為成績與損友是父母反對的root causes根本原因(b)even if they were, your arguments are not convincing.

    3.辯論法:You did not try to find a common ground for your parents to consider, to accept, then to agree upon.

    4. 語言:I am surprised to see some "English language" used by real people from you. However, it is only small part of it. Many others are not only funny but weird. If you refuse to believe anything I said here, this one is a must take-away. A language, English or Taiwanese, is not only a tool for communication, it is also a culture and a life style. You will never master it if you cannot love it, or at least, live it.

    Now, here are my comments and suggestions in line.

    我的文章:

    Dear Mother and Father,

    No American kid will call their parents this way. Use:

    Mom, Dad,

    I know that you don’t like me participating in school music club, and you think that it’s a waste of time.

    "Participating" is too strong. It sounds like you are running the club or what? Use "go to" the club.

    You worry about my grades, so you forbade me to join that.

    "forbid"? why. "join"? use "sign up".

    In addition, you regard the club’s members as bed students, since their academic performance isn’t good.

    "regard" "bed" "academic performance"? What! Both your parents are doctors or what?

    Try this:

    In addition, you think the club is full of junckies with bad grades.

    Nevertheless, I want to tell you an important thing.

    That is, I will not drop out of this music club.

    delete - too offensive and conclusive.

    I promise you if you agree me to stay in the club, my grades will not become poorer.

    "agree me"? Speculative argument. Delete.

    What’s more, my grades might reach a record high!

    Speculative argument - delete.

    The reason why I took part in such a club is that I’m interested in music and it can free my anxiety or relieve my stress.

    "took part" is not proper here. It makes you sound like an old english man.

    "fre anxiety"? Dude, what are you smoking?

    As a result, my academic performance may improve.

    Speculative argument - delete.

    On the contrary, if you don’t agree with me, I will find no way to release my pressure, which results in a bad performance in school.

    Too confrontational - delete.

    Those friends I made from this music club, is not as bad as you think.

    is --> are. But please be more positive.

    Poor as their academic performance is, they are good at other talents.

    "other"? in comaprison to what talents?

    Try this:

    Their grades might have been poor but they have many talents that I may learn from.

    For instance, one of my friends in the club, Mike, not only do he play the trumpet well, but he is also good at swimming.

    Why do you think this a good argument if you parents have considered non-academics less important?

    They have a lot of advantages which I can learn from.

    "advantages" - improper use. Try strengths or characters.

    Friends come in all shapes and sizes, and I can broaden my horizon by getting along with them.

    This is the only good sentence in your writing.

    Last but not least, I have found myself in this club, so I’m happy.

    "Last but not least" - cliche, delete. Do not use this on your parents.

    "I have found myself in this club." - bad argument.

    I know what I really what.

    the second "what" --> want.

    Please agree with me, I will not let you down!

    "please agree with me" - It is easy to ask one to "accept what you do" but hard to ask for "agreement". I think you are pushing it.

    Best regards

    No one will write to his parents using "best regards".

    Try this - "with love"

    Jack

    What Jack? It is the "big guy".

    So, in conclusion _ I would write as following:

    Mom, Dad,

    Hey, how was your trip to UK? It must be fun to visit Granny in the summer. I will definitely try to make the trip next year.

    Also, I am aware that you really want me to quit the music club in school. And my grades and friendship with other club members are your primary concerns. I think you probably should come clean to me on what you really think about my professional career. If you really worry that I might turn into a professional singer, then please rest assured that I know I am not that good. So, it will never be my career of choice and I love music just for fun.

    As for my friends in the club, particularly, Justin - I know he is a mess. He has bad grades and sometime went overboard with everyone, including his own parents. However, he is a good kid with good senses on right and wrong. He once stood up for an old lady who got robbed in the school parking lot and almost got himself killed. I am dating him not for his rich family but for his amazing talents and good characters. After all, these may all disappear when I go to college.

    As the smartest kid of yours, I think my keen observations on my own life should warrant extra considerations of yours. How about this. Let me stay in the club one more semester and I promise to quit it if I cannot lift my GPA to 2.5. Also, I would bring a few friends from the music club home next weekend. Whomever you dislike, he is gone.

    Please send me the photos you took with granny. I really miss her.

    With a lot of love,

    Your Big Guy (honey bear).

  • 4 年前

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